How to Fly a FUCKING Plane. Part 1

We’ve all been there. You buy a nice shiny new plane, slap it down at the nearest build active land you can find, climb excitedly into the cockpit and think “hey…what now?”

 

Well sir you need not worry, for I the great and powerful piloting Wizard Malcious has written this handy guide for the aspiring pilot. You may find it long, too long perhaps and sir it is mighty indeed, but grasp it firmly and do not be frightened, for even the lightest touch shall open your eyes to a new world. A world of piloting pleasure.

So come on in, take a seat. I SAID SIT DOWN! Would you care for some Tea? Mavis get the man some Tea. Oh but wait, we never established that did we? And genders are so important these days aren’t they…..

 

Really? One of those? In that case Mavis hide the good biscuits! I’m afraid it’s Rich Tea from this point on.

Now we’ve got the sticky business out of the way, let us start with the Basics:

 

The Basics

Firstly its very important to understand one thing right now. Firstly you sir are a pilot and therefore a member of the exclusive SL Aviation Community. But of course here lies problem one. There is no point in being a pilot if no-one around you knows that you are one.

I mean if you go to parties and clubs how else can you possible be distinguished from the rabble of unwashed non-pilots, or even worse, be mistaken for one of those disgusting ‘casual’ pilots. After all planes are cheap and more people than ever are getting into Aviation, it’s important that you stand out for you sir are a REAL pilot, not some filthy casual who probably just has one or two planes and dusts them off every now and then and only ever flies in circles. Pah! the shame. SHAAAAAAAAME!

Before you even consider purchasing your first plane you must become part of the Community and thus must stand-out from the crowd of non-pilots and dirty casuals.

Write in your profile and state that you are a pilot. Put a few Airports in your pics. Have little icons of planes after you finish each sentence, say “Blue Skies” consistently instead of goodbye and of course randomly start speaking about how you are a pilot at all parties you attend, because people are stupid and sometimes miss things so it’s important to remind them.

Secondly, and probably most importantly, you must dress the part. Now stupid frilly outfits for Stewarts don’t count. You sir are not a Stewart, you sir are a pilot and your outfit should consist of one of three choices.

713pvXHoBhL._UL1500_

#1 The Dreamgirl Men’s Mile-High Pilot outfit for Juniors

ww2-wartime-fighter-pilot-costume-fs2384-a

#2 The “I was in a War you know” Dashing Ego Pleaser and Compensator for Juniors

26855

#3 The “I have seen the Move Topgun at least 17,311 times” Crossword filling God-Complex Onesie, Ages 6+

After you make your choice it’s now time to purchase the most important piece of equipment a pilot needs. This item is essential for so long as you have it no-one can ever claim you are not a pilot even if you forget to wear your official pilot outfit.

Aviator_hero

The Aviator Sunglasses have been a staple of the elite world since time began. When man first walked on the Earth he said to God “How do I earn the respect and trust of others, how do I stand above the crowd as a leader of men? And God took from his nose his own Sunglasses and said “Put these on”.

Now that you look like an Aviator and everyone is aware you are one it’s time to join a few Groups. But your tea has gone cold so let us only cover the main ones for now.

 

The Groups

As an Aviator you may have to declare your allegiance to a group at some point or another, there are no exceptions. NONE! but which side shall you declared allegiance with, it’s not as complicated as it may seem in fact many see it as a pointlessly trivial social obligation that belongs in the Medieval past of SL Aviation. You know what we call those people? FILTHY CASUALS!

Next you’ll be going on Grid Flights, wearing T-shirts to fly planes in and ‘God forbid’ actually talking to other pilots about non-pilot things. You might even start looking to buy a sailboat BAH! Banish these unclean thoughts from your head and purge the soul of the heretic.

Now I know it’s a little intimidating at first, all these groups all of which seem to have similar objectives (i.e be informative and friendly) but all have their own different alliances, friends and secret wars with each other. How can someone like yourself, new to Aviation, be expected to understand all the background politics, after all you don’t want to go someplace new and see everyone suddenly turns their backs and scoff at you for being in the wrong group.

Ah fear not sir. I SAID FEAR NOT! Sit down and don’t look at me like that you’ll give me nightmares. We here at the MalQusition have created this handy dandy simplified reference chart for some of the more louder groups.

d9027b1ce82514a4a96a0c10c0f10ed8

Consult as needed.

Or if you’re looking for a more detailed overview who and what these groups actually are then:

SL Aviation

d0eb6d94dec75f6c328a4827b98c5c1f The Biggest of all the Groups

The most Active of all the Groups

Everyone bitches about it being biased

SL AVIATION GROUP

039ce3c7aa4c978500d10c0a70631941

Created because “Monopoly”

99.9% Unmoderated

Logo is clearly Different and how dare you claim otherwise

S&W Aviation

tigUpdate Group for Spijkers & Wingtips

Was once a Hotbed for Political rants

Tig’s Heli’s are “the best in SL” *cough*

SL Aviation Association 

SLAA Created because SL Aviation was being “too mean”

Bans anyone who doesn’t only say nice things

used to exclusively only talk about the Airport it’s owner made

SL Aeronautics

slA Created by Josh Noonan for Josh Noonan

Talks a lot about Josh Noonan

bans people for “not being nice”

SL Aviation Network

SLAN Tells you what time and date Luke Flywalker will be next DJ’ing

Sometimes does video’s

That’s it

Dani_Airplane’s

dani planes Update group for Dani Airplane’s

Controversially doesn’t like me

Group chat is now disabled

Passengers of SL

PSL Imagine your phone’s Text Alert was linked up to the Departures board of JFK International.

That’s essentially what this group is

that’s it really

The MalQusition

a88c1b09cedb79b4ba0274b7f983ad6b The Greatest of All the Groups

Talks about Anal Fisting far more than it should

Kinda empty cos no-one knows about it

The Federal Aviation Administration

 227ba4ec919c2d15cb282f1f29a67622No

One

Cares

No-one

And that’s all of them. Well the ones that matter anyway, the rest are mostly inactive groups or stuff for various builders to pimp their wares. You wont get in trouble for being a member of those ones let me tell you that, SO JOIN THEM ALL! You’re a pilot now, who cares if people look at you funny they are still looking at you and if anyone questions it just shout at them for being an asshole, after all you don’t do politics and it’s everyone else’s fault for trying to include you in their stupid drama.

Ah I see your Tea has turned a slightly odd shade of Green and Mavis looks like she wants to do the chairs. Tell you what, lets leave it here and we shall pick up Lesson 2, Planes and Airports, another day.

Until then fair sir. Get out of My Office, and leave a tip!

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “How to Fly a FUCKING Plane. Part 1

  1. I sexually identify myself a mayonnaise ‘-‘

    Like

  2. I want a bigger picture of that reference chart:) btw there’s a Tea Lady but no Crazy Cat Lady?

    Like

  3. Erick Gregan says:

    Excellent !
    The first time I laughed so much reading your lines, sir 🙂

    Like

  4. Nico says:

    Australian isn’t a sexual identity, it’s a disability!

    Like

  5. Passengers of SL don’t ahte you mate. I’m a mod there

    Like

      • Velen.Forager says:

        To be fair Crim is there too.

        Like

        • Just to clarify for Velen. I am indeed one of the 1703 members of the Passengers of SL group. I am there in the role of airline pilot along with 117 others. That is my only role in the group. I am not, nor have I ever been a group mod. I don’t believe the topic of how the group feels about Mal has ever come up. I don’t recall Mal’s name ever coming up at all actually. I hope that clears things up.

          Like

          • Velen.Forager says:

            Mmmhm, I don’t believe I said you were a mod.

            I said you were there as in, in the group, n’ given your last rant on this blog you don’t much care for Mal.

            Like

            • I’m sure a number of people don’t care for Mal. You obviously have a personal issue with me in particular since you decided to mention me in particular. My feelings about Mal certainly don’t define how a group of 1700 feels about him. You’re in that group as well and you obviously adore him. Give it a rest. If you are too cowardly to approach me inworld, then how about not doing it on a blog that isn’t even yours. Last comment on this everyone. Carry on discussing Mal’s attempt at humor and sarcasm up at the top of the comments.

              Like

Leave a Reply (Please use your Second Life name. Anonymous posts will be deleted)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: